BIRD BOX

I double-tapped so many memes of Sandra Bullock in a rowboat that I just HAD to see what all the fuss was about. Also, being one of the twelve idiots people in America that actually pay for their Netflix subscription (I'm sure someone reading this right now is logged into my account - YOU'RE WELCOME!), I figured I might as well get the most out of it and watch Bird Box. I expected to be entertained (Sandra Bullock AND John Malkovich!), I expected to be creeped out (I was). I was not expecting it to be so damn relatable. WARNING: if you haven't seen it yet, SLAP ON A BLINDFOLD AND LOOK AWAY - here come some spoilers. For the rest of you: here are all of the things I loved (and hated) about Bird Box:


For starters, this movie made it clear that it is perfectly fine to never leave your house. As someone who is an expert in crafting excuses to get out of plans, a story in which the characters face almost certain doom if they venture outdoors is one I can get behind. Call me dramatic, but sometimes the thought of a pay-your-own-way birthday party that starts at 9PM makes me want to walk into oncoming traffic much like the poor unsuspecting peeps in the movie who found themselves outside when chaos hit. Imagine a world in which you never have to lie to cancel plans again? "Hey want to go to spin class tomorrow at 8AM?" "Sorry, Bird Box." "We should totally catch up! Are you free Tuesday?!" "Sorry, Bird Box." If you've ever had to fabricate a month worth of faux activities to avoid hanging out with a relentless "friend" who won't take no for an answer, the Bird Box predicament might not seem so bad. Introverts, rejoice!


More importantly, the larger lesson here was that it is perfectly fine to never leave your house...until it's time to eat. Ah yes. Food. Much like yours truly, no one in this movie leaves the house until it's time to eat. I, too, would risk life, limb, and the chance of awkward social interaction for a good meal. The thing that bothered me most was that the characters did just that - survived the car ride to the supermarket, filled their carts, and...left. First of all, these people were casually shopping at the supermarket. Like, carefully selecting each can of vegetable that they threw in their cart, checking nutrition labels. Call me crazy, but you're living through the apocalypse. Is NOW the time to care about cholesterol?! YOU THROW AS MUCH SH*T IN YOUR CART AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE because you're only shopping for food to carry you and everyone else through, oh, THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!?!?



Second. You made it all the way to the supermarket, why the eff would you ever leave the supermarket? In a lawless world, a world in which you are safest indoors, THE place to be would be THE SUPERMARKET. But good ol' Sandy reminds everyone that there are people waiting for them back at the house. Sandra has a conscience. This is where we differ...


As someone who chauffeured many a friend around in my giant SUV back in the day, I know everyone in the house could've stuffed into that Jeep and braved the supermarket trip. Instead, they sent poor Sandra and the gang out to risk their lives SO THAT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO. What was the logic here? If Sandra didn't make it back, the people at the house would've eventually starved to death anyway! These people were selfish cowards, if you ask me. Sandra and the brave should've stayed in that supermarket and feasted, and let Darwinism handle the rest.


Probably the biggest takeaway from this movie is to TRUST NO ONE. Except for maybe John Malkovich. Literally THE only person in the movie with a brain. Sure, Sandra let Olympia into the house and we're supposed to get all warm and fuzzy over it. But what did that do for Sandra in the long run? Olympia lets a crazy man into the house who kills virtually everyone, and Sandra's left with an extra kid to tote around through the apocalypse (a kid who SHOULD'VE BEEN NAMED CINDERELLA LIKE HER MOTHER WANTED! Way to TOTALLY disregard Olympia's wishes, Sandy).


If I'm being too harsh, it's only because I probs would've ripped off my blindfold like three months into this whole predicament. No end in sight? Everyone I love dead? No sustainable food source? No Wi-Fi? Peace me the eff out. We're all supposed to be happy when Sandra, Boy, and little CINDERELLA (I gotchu, Olympia) make it to the School for the Blind, but really, what now? Is there some underground tunnel that leads to the nearest Costco where they can shop an endlessly replenishing stock of food and supplies? No? Oh, so we're just trapped in the middle of no where where I get to live out the rest of my miserable life indoors and eventually starve to death with my gynecologist? Great. Sign me up!


Honorable mention is Tom. This man did not lose one ounce of muscle tone or bulk during this whole five year predicament. I surmise Tom was secretly hiding a little extra protein for himself to enjoy after all of those food raids, but props to Tom for keeping up with his #gainz and sacrificing himself to save his fam. We will forgive you for your slightly creepy pregnant lady fetish in the beginning of the movie.