LOVE ACTUALLY

I'm over a decade late to the game on this one (warning: for the three of us out there who haven't seen this movie, there may be spoilers), but since the "Top Picks for You" section on Netflix rarely steers me wrong, and since the movie poster offered up so much Euro actor goodness in one neat little Christmas package, I couldn't resist: I finally watched Love Actually. WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?


Let's start with poor Liam Neeson (Daniel) and his little sh*t son, Sam. We learn early on that Daniel's wife (Sam's mom) died. We even get a live look at her funeral (super cheerful Christmas movie stuff!). We see Sam sitting in the church looking sad, and for a minute we actually feel bad for him. Sam locks himself in his room all day, and has been taking the death of his mother really badly - OR SO WE THOUGHT. It turns out Sam is really just "IN LOVE" with some rando girl at his school, and THAT is why he's depressed. WHEW. Thought for a second there it might've been because YOUR MOTHER JUST DIED. SILLY ME. When he finally reveals this to his dad, his dad says he's relieved, because he thought something worse might've been bothering him (you know, like the fact that he just suffered A MAJOR LOSS?). But no, to Sam there is nothing "worse than the total agony of being in love." This kid had the nerve to say that to his dad's face, knowing that this poor guy just buried his wife. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU SAM?! Liam should've gone full out Taken on your ass, you selfish little sh*t. Not to mention, you're 11. Do you even know what love is, or did the girl just share her Doritos with you once? We find out later that the love of his life is a super pretty young pop star. Shallow and selfish. 0 for 2, Sam.


Ah, Hugh Grant up to Hugh Grant things. In this movie, Hugh Grant is Prime Minister, and in a world where that makes sense, it's only fitting that Billy Bob Thornton is President of the United States (who acts his f*cking heart out, btw. He must have been waiting for the POTUS call his entire career. This is YOUR moment, Billy Bob. Savor it.). Now. When we first see Hugh, he locks eyes with a Natalie, a newly-hired assistant who curses like a sailor, and, from what I gathered from the few "jokes" cracked about her weight, we are supposed to believe is fat (?!?). Originally I thought that Hugh might've had some one night stand type of deal with Natalie prior to this awkward meeting based on the way he reacted to the sight of her. But no. He is just instantly smitten, in typical Hugh Grant fashion (and by smitten, I mean wants to get between those "big tree-trunk" thighs - Natalie's words, NOT MINE). Hugh is even so bold as to basically declare war with America (Billy Bob) in a public press conference to defend Natalie's honor (a regular Helen of Troy, this Natalie). Naturally, over the total seven minutes they spend together on camera, they fall in love (because who wouldn't fall for the girl who doesn't have enough social graces to control her f*cking mouth and act like a professional on the first day of her high-level government job?!). Honestly, I'm really just salty there wasn't more Hugh in this movie...


I'm also angry over the lack of Colin Firth, and that he was given one of the oddest relationship set-ups in the entire movie. First, his girlfriend cheats on him with his brother (haha! Gotcha Colin!), so he shoots off to France (?? I think?) to write a novel. He is assigned a housekeeper named Aurelia who only speaks Portuguese. They exchange zero understood words to each other (she mostly just insults him in Portuguese), and the entirety of their interaction involves her bringing him tea, and accidentally destroying pages of his novel. In one such scene, she causes a whole stack of pages to fly into a lake. She takes a cinematically dramatic amount of time to strip down to her undies to jump in to recover the slowly drowning pages (like, HURRY TF UP), and it is then that Colin discovers her lower back tattoo and falls in love. Colin Firth falling for someone with a tramp stamp? Please. I did actually laugh out loud during the scene where Colin flies all the way to her hometown to ask her to marry him. Oh yes, marry. Because in this movie two minutes and a back tat is all it takes to fall in love.


Keira Knightley is so pretty she can literally do no wrong, with the exception of the Jiffy Pop G-Star hat she sports in one scene. To be honest, I was super looking forward to finally getting some context around that iconic "man shows up at doorstep with boombox and giant cue cards with cute speech" scene I had seen floating around the internet for years. It looked so romantic. It was so not. Turns out this guy was just her husband's best friend who had been stalkerishly obsessed with her for years. I also did not know a picture of a rotting corpse was involved? (see below) She gives him a kiss, which read way more pity than love (was it supposed to? How are we supposed to feel about this? I'm so confused?), and that's basically it for that entire plot line. Keira's still getting that Chanel money though. All is right with the world.


If I knew Professor Snape would be painted as an adulterer - and cheat on Emma Thompson (his wife), no less - I wouldn't have watched the movie. HE PROTECTED HARRY THROUGH SEVEN BOOKS AND EIGHT MOVIES, YOU MONSTERS! However in this movie, he has a super aggressive receptionist who desperately wants his D for some reason. Are all receptionists this slutty? My man works in an office, is this something I genuinely have to worry about? Anyway, Emma Thompson finds out about this affair (which from the looks of it culminated in Snape giving his mistress a hideous necklace worth a WHOPPING "£270" (are we supposed to be impressed by this number?)). At first, Emma cries. She confronts him. We think she is a strong woman who will send his sorry ass all the way back to potions class. But no. She listens to the Joni Mitchell CD he bought her as a Christmas gift (which I surmise cost much less than £270, cheap bastard), and is presumably "fine." If Joni Mitchell is an instant cure-all for the severe emotional damage that results from being lied to and cheated on, Alexa, add Joni Mitchell songs to my Spotify.


Honorable mentions:

Colin, the gross and unfortunate-looking witty Brit who jets off to Wisconsin in the hopes of finding a woman who will find him attractive. I've watched enough Making a Murderer to know that if there is any place on earth where a woman might find someone like Colin attractive, it's Wisconsin.

The porno couple who is so insignificant I can't even remember their names and whose sole purpose is to flash a little titty so that any guy who was dragged to this movie by his girlfriend could leave happy.

And finally, Laura Linney. Gratuitous titty and not much else.

So did I enjoy Love Actually? Actually, yes. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. And if you haven't watched it yet DO IT. It is your civic cinematic duty. It literally has nothing to do with Christmas and could have taken place during any other season, but it'll leave you feelin' good, and if nothing else, there's this: